Monday, March 22, 2010

"Did you kow that..."

"Did you know that if you sit really still and quiet your mind will too?" said my Granma S.  She was a peach of a woman.  Since I was always such an inquisitive kid and didn't like to sit too still unless there was something neat to do - listening to "them" for instance - Mom and Dad enlisted her help in trying to get me to be a little less "me" and a little more "what you are supposed to be".  Granma knew I would do anything she asked of me, if I could, so, it was a safe bet, or so my folks thought, to have her ask me to be less "me" and more, mmmmm, "not me".  Well, hard as I tried, my intellectual curiosity and my gift kept getting me all stirred up and in trouble with my parents.  Not a good thing this gift of mine.  I kept trying to shut it off, but, not knowing how it got turned on in the first darned place, it was pretty hard to figure out how to turn it off - even a little bit.

So, on the day Granma asked me if I knew about sitting really still and quiet, I decided to go for broke and ask her if she could tell me where to find the off switch for my gift.  "Granma, if I sit really still and quiet, will the dead people stop talking to me?  Will I not hear the critters every now and then? Do you know how to make that happen?"  Bless that dear soul, she didn't treat me like a nut case, nor did she bat an eye at the questions either.  She just said, "Child, if you are meant to hear and see them you will.  If you aren't you won't.  Your folks just want you to calm it down a bit, that's all."  "But, Granma, I don't know how to!  When Sister told me I'd have this stuff, she didn't tell me how to make it work, just that I'd have it and be able to use it to help people one day.  Do you know how to do that?  Or, don't you!"  (Brave kid, dumb kid, Granma hated sass mouths.)  "Well, I do, but, my way only works for me.  You have to find your own way."  Then she went on to explain to me that the women in her family always had this gift and most of them could not only hear and see, but could smell, taste and even feel the dead and their ailments, etc. (Portents of things to come many years later for me.)  Part of her heritage was American Indian (don't ask which tribe, I don't know for sure) and the heritage she had was from "medicine" and not to be taken lightly or abused or disused.  So,she told me that my "job" was to let my folks think I had given up on "the gift thing" and pretend it wasn't there any more.  That really sucked!  I knew it was like living a lie and said so to Granma.  She told me she hated living a lie too, but, to keep peace with Granpa she had to keep her gift under wraps because while he knew it was real and that she had it, he just didn't like her "using" it because of his affiliation with the Christian Church of America as a Deacon.....   something about the "Devil" and it not being "Good" but "Evil" - after hearing my Granpa disapproved of such things,  I was too crushed to listen too closely. 

As much as my folks wanted me too, I didn't stop hearing voices, or seeing people for the longest, longest time.  I didn't learn to turn my gift off either, nor did I try.  I just learned to sit really quiet and listen in my head to the things going on around me.  Didn't share it with much of anyone either - except Granma once in a while.  It got really lonely in my heart because I knew this was a living lie.

Did you know that if you sit really still and quiet you mind will get that way too?  You can also hear "them" a lot better if you aren't yapping away yourself.  I know this for a fact.  I've tried it.  HeHeHe

1 comment:

  1. Sad really that people are so afraid of a gift that you have to hide it from them. Thanks again for sharing. I've enjoyed your journey.




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